I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
