my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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