she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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