the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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