Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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