your parents love me but you hate me
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
