Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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