I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
