I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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