chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I pour the whiskey from now on
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
