Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My vagina is officially offended.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
