four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
