I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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