I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
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