I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
