youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
