I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
