In the future we'll all be gay
I think my fart just growled at me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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