Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
