i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
