You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
