she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
