Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
