I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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