Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
