he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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