it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You dont lie about slip and slides
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
