woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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