My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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