Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
