Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
