Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
