are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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