Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
