i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
