I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
