I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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