should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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