I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
