so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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