i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
