I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
