you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
