I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
