This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
