I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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