Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
