only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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