Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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