Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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