Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
