I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
