is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
